DEALING WITH THE FEELINGS OF INFERIORITY

There is an axiom that says, ‘all fingers are not equal’, so it is in life. It is this feeling of inequality that results in inferiority. The culprit fail to understand that there are some things or some areas in life that they have a comparative advantage over that person or persons that make them feel inferior.

Feelings of inferior sometimes begin from childhood. Some parents use all sort of derogatory words on their children, making them feel and believe they are actually good for nothing, simply because they failed in certain areas of life as children. The child withdraws himself from his real world, projecting a false character he was made to believe.

Ann, a grade C student was constantly picked on by her parents. They never saw anything good in her. Her weaknesses were exaggerated making her feel worthless inside. At every slight provocation, the parents’ calls her names ranging from clown, idiot, fool to dullard. The never saw anything good in whatever she does. They criticized her destructively. Before long an adult of low self esteem was made in Ann.

Ann grew to not seeing anything good about her. She became as negative as negative image of a photo before it is processed. She became limited in a circle of I-am no-good-a-person. Her subconscious kept telling her those lies simply because her parents fed in that garbage in her mind. Whatever was her thought pattern developed into feelings of inferiority. This made her run away from areas of responsibility and leadership as an adult.

Having Ann’s type for a spouse could be problematic. Be sure to appreciate them virtually in everything they do, be it good or bad. If it’s that bad do not make it worse. Make their mistakes look so small and easy to correct. Encouraging them would definitely re-create them. Though it may take time, it certainly will.

It is important you know that their primary need is the feelings of importance. Sincere and generous appreciation over time would fill this void. Should you be more intelligent, be kind enough not to assume a superiority attitude. It would only make it worse. Make them feel you are both on the same level. Say things like, ‘you can do this, I actually had greater fear than you have now the first time I tried it’, ‘failing isn’t that bad, not trying is worse’, ‘Thomas Edison failed so many times over’. Give them guidance to live a life of standard by accepting who they are.

Put them through series of talks on how unique they are. Say those obvious things about them that you admire and over blow it. You will be there star for that. If you do not have something nice to say, remain silent. This is a personality problem. Sometimes you need to distort the truth. If she says,’ she looks terribly bad at doing that’, object to it even when she’s telling the truth. Be kind to her instead of being truthful. Things don’t get better when people who have the feelings of inferiority as a result of low self esteem get involved with an unrefined man. They suffer abuse. They are likely to live with a wife beater all their life. They have the feelings that they may not be better of outside the relationship.

Win them over to your way of reasoning. Make them feel you can not do without them. This will surely make them feel they are valued. As this becomes a daily routine, they gradually start reasoning the way you do.

Appearing better than them is always dangerous, but most dangerous of all is to appear to have no fault or weakness. Show them your weakness and that of people if need be, so they would feel they are all not super humans after all.

I had a friend who felt so small inside. She had her mom call her ugly in her childhood. The first time I called her beauty bright, she objected. I tried to know why until she let out what was in her inside. It took her time to accepting this fact. After all, she became the girl I wanted her to be. She confessed to me that if she had known me earlier she would have done better than she did during her university studies. I was happy she left her past.

EIGHT CONNECTING FACTORS TO BECOMING BEST FRIENDS

Freond in old English is a person whom one knows well and is fond of. Being best friends go beyond the scope of knowing well. It transcends to the point of mutual transference of traits, consciously or unconsciously. Before long, both of you seem to become one, not wanting to stay away from the tie.

Making the best of your friendship is a two sided thing. Both partners have input. It’s expedient to note here that one shouldn’t wait or bank on the other to make it ‘best’. The natural law of reciprocity is valid in this situation. Just build the blocks, there would be the natural tendencies of the other giving a hand.


 Make yourself a best friend
Everything one wants in life begins from the mind. Little wonder Napoleon Hill in his book The Positive Mental Thinking, asserts that what the mind conceives, it receives. Charity begins at home – your mind. Say to you ‘I am a best friend’. Feel it and act it.

 Avoid Perfectionism
Naturally as you tend to know each other very well, you become aware of each other’s weaknesses as well as strengths. Knowing this shouldn’t be an encumbrance towards building the blocks of best of friends, rather it should make you be aware of the likely ‘pitfalls’ in your relationship. For instance, knowing your friend is predominantly choleric in temperament would let you know he or she would have the problem of perfectionism. This understanding would work like the magic wand of Alibaba. According to Dennis Prager, he said that friends who never complain, always loving, never have moods, always fixated are known as pets. You do not expect your friend to act a pet, do you?

 Love Notes
Make it a habit of dropping love notes for your friend. You could keep it under his (her) pillow, in the car, in the cupboard, in his (her) book, anywhere – just where your friend do not expect it. Surprises are most often cherished. It goes a long way to tell the person how much esteemed and loved. It doesn’t have to be long. A sentence or two could do. You never would know how many times he (she) would go through it. It would certainly make his (her) day.

 Listen to Criticism
They just might be right. Even when your friend is wrong in its approach which may be destructive instead of constructive criticism. Courtesy demands that you don’t react rather respond to it. You might just say something like, ‘Hey! Courtesy isn’t expensive’. Experts advise that in doing this, it makes the fault seem easy to correct. Be liberal with your encouragement; make it seem easy to do; let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do.

 Date
Plan a special date together for just the two of you. You know what it means? It tells your beau that you mean a lot to me and I wish I could spend the rest of my time with you. Go out on a ‘date’ at least once a month. This must take place before closeness develops. It is time to learn to be comfortable with each while you practice the basis of friendship. Begin with trying out common interest such as swimming, playing chess etc. You may try to do something new which calls for self sacrifices on the part of both us of you. According to Ed Wheat, M. D. and Gloria O. Perkins, in their book Love Life For Every Married Couple, confirmed that shared time, shared activities, shared interests and shared experiences leads to shared feelings and shared confidence. They went further to say that it’s the cream of marriage. I can’t imagine a lady living without a cream. Oh! I just have to dream it in another world.

 Respect
This entails showing consideration for the feelings of your friend. Be tactful and discreet when your taste differs from theirs. So guard against the tendency to want to have your friend all to yourself. Give them the freedom of confiding in others and do not take offence at that.
Sometimes your friend would have need for privacy. You should be able to read his body language and know when he wants time for himself. It doesn’t in anyway mean he’s getting bored of you. It’s very natural.

 Confident
Never repeat to anyone else the things your friend shares with you privately. You may never know the effect on your relationship until he hears the same thing he told you in the closet outside the street. At first, your friend would be like a kitten beaten by the rain. That would definitely make him withdrawn. A man that is not fully developed would definitely go ballistic on the next meet.